Season Of Natsu

ahhh
hiatus goes on
well, i was out from sunday to thursday at my church retreat
djkshfjsdfh
<3_<3 if you know what i mean
hahaha
ANYWAYS
i saw old friends of mine i barely knew. and one of em, honestly, has gotten hotter LOLOL
jdsfhjshfsjf well anyways
on the last day of retreat, we pulled all nighters, but only 4 of us did SOB. 3 of themm fell asleep during the all nighter. we were playing cards and the losers had to do truth or dare but in a pattern. so if you chose truth, you HAD to choose dare next etc. later on, i was forced to play since I couldn't just watch. luckily, i only lost once so I had no dare. so funny. my best friend had to run around outside in his boxers. LOL i cracked up so bad.
kjfdhdfs hahahaha
i was so pooped but i got back on thursday around the afternoon and just read yaoi.
i slept at 11 WHYSOEARLY and woke up 13 hours later. i literally just knocked out hahaha
so its friday now, and I went to the library. but i went late so i was only there for like an hour. and the fact that i was tweeting on my cell with nanne the whole time makes it worse LOL so i sort of didnt start my essay. LOLSHIT
and i didnt finish my summer reading. oh.
and i start school on monday
SOBSOBSOB
all nighters, here I come.
well so the library closed at six, right. so 5 minutes before that, i got in line to borrow my research books. the employee took my library card and like GLARED AT ME. WTF MAN
she was like "you have a $15.50 fine. You cannot check out any books until you pay them back."
okay. so i procrastinate and always turn in my books late. but i always pay them back. and FIFTEEN DOLLARS?? WTFF
i tell my mom. she nags me and i go on the computer to check my account.
i have late fines from 2008.
but i paid like 4 of my fines during the school year so something is wrong here. i have my mom's lecturing as proof. so I'm gonna go back tomorrow to borrow those books and to ask about this problem. annoying.
and the employees at the library are so judgmental sdjfghdsjdfds WTF MAN
like, last time. i came to borrow books but I didn't have my library card. she asked for my name.
"Nicole Kim"
"email?"
"*********@yahoo.com"
and she looks at it. and then mad dogs me. WTF. so i'm like "uh..." trying to be nice since shes my elder. and asians and their elders, yeah?
she says "THIS. IS. NOT. UR. CARD."
so im like "w-what?"
and she just glares at me.
then i'm like "OH. this might be in my moms name!"
she rose an eyebrow and was like "name?"
and i told her and she like
relaxed her shoulders.
godd seriously. why would I steal a library card, lady??

oasiuaidkj stupid asses.
oh, and because of retreat, i lost certain parts of my voice. its all husky. i cant talk with a high pitch or my normal pitch. i cant even whisper.
its husky and harsh. and LOWWWWW. sob yeah
i feel so manry.

okay, so ima chat up on msn, ajigdshjfsjf READ DGM UDFGFHGF ITS BACK OMG YAY
and read a book for my summer reading shit thing for school.
PISUU @w@ lol.

KDHJFGHFJGDHDG
I NEED SOME SELF-DISCIPLINE
SOB
sdjfhsjfsh
i havent started my essay
I shall start it today. by 2.
i have 30 min yay
djfsdhjf
so i've decided that I might start linearting traditionally and thanks to pandabaka@dA's advice about scanners, ima try it YAY
cuz i only scan sketches since the linearting always comes out so retarded.
but then again, i dont even have the right pens to lineart dsfjdhfjsf SOBSOB
WHATEVER. ill use a normal pen LOL
djhsdfj i think i ran out though so maybe target OTL
errr'so
i am going to organize my brain and try to work out my style AFTER i finish my essay.
Once I'm done, I think I'm going to be posting another entry with a list of drawings I have to do. Yeah. C:
cool : DD

so i guess that means I'll be on hiatus LOL SHIT

:LOL DJGDHGD
if you look back like 2 entries back
i posted like 2 doodled. well, i finished one of em today. in like 15 min LOLRECORDPLZ



LOL WTF IS THIS
sdkfhdsjf
HAHAHAHA
OKAYOKAY
anyways
tomorrow, im getting surgery OHSHITWHAT
it's nothing serious like the rest of the world is going through.
you see, i have this annoying mole on my arm
that gives me the risk of getting skin cancer like 89% chance LOL
so yeah
YAY
IM GONNA HAVE A HUGE SCAB
im scared LOL
mkmk
pisu~

GOD.
I kind of want to kill myself right now.
I feel so hollow.
My parents think I'm worthless now LOL
not that they ever cared about anything except for status and my A's
godd
they think being short is some sort of demonic curse or something. I'm getting grounded for not sleeping. wow. mom and dad. thanks for being grateful that I dont do drugs or drink, or smoke, or have some weird disorder like bulimia or anorexia that most girls I know have. Or the fact that I'm still a virgin, yah?
I'm not mad at the fact that I;m grounded. More that I mean, it does peeve me but why is it that they take me for granted.
I mean, yeah, lucky me, they love me so much that they work hard and keep me in a good expensive-ass all girl high school. when I dont get an A on something, they say "LOOK HOW HARD WE'RE WORKING TO PAY FOR YOUR TUITION AND THIS IS HOW YOU THANK US. WE WANT YOU TO GO TO COLLEGE AND BE HAPPY AND HAVE A GOOD LIFE."
WELL IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET IT. WHEN U TOLD ME I HAD TO GO TO AN ALL GIRL MIDDLE SCHOOL AND BE TORN AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS (i work better with guys)) I SOBBED LIKE AN IDIOT. AND THEN WE I GRADUATED U TOLD ME THAT I HAD TO STAY FOR HIGH SCHOOL TOO. I LOVE MY FRIENDS BUT YOU KNOW. THAT CRUSHED ME. I cried harder than ever and all my friends had to comfort me. I'm lame. and retarded. and maybe I'm not grateful either. but YOU guys are the ones that wanted to send me to this bullshit school. YOU guys decided to work your ass off to pay the tuition. YOU guys have NO FUCKING right to BLAME IT ON ME. I'm sick of your yelling. I know when I deserve it and most of the time I do, but when it's not my fault, then shut up please. oh, and then there's the "you didn't ask for it, but your so blessed! think of all those kids that would love to be you" yeah. i think of them. and i think it's because our backgrounds are so different it's like that. But if they were in my situation, they'd be thinking the same way as me so shut up about that. I know for a fact that my best friend is a little bit worse of than me. Honestly, his mom kind of seems a bit screwy to me. She reminds me of my aunt. But people are all different. There are things some people can handle and some that can't. I can't handle pain. and feelings well. I'm a moody bitch. But I can't help it. Shut up theo class. I really can't help it. It's like a personality trait. Why is it that when I can't do something and say "well _____ can do it" or something like that, you start bitching at me, but YOU have the fucking right to compare me to others and criticize who I am. Because your my parents? HA. To hell with that. I don't think anyone has the right to mold me into an ideal person of their own opinions. My dad thinks I'm not funny enough. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm not gonna even comment any further on that.
SECOND POINT.
It's not that I'm thinking "I know what's best for me"
I'm only 15. I obviously don't. But I know what I want to do. I know what makes me happy right now. It's drawing. But you have to shoot out your mouths and tell me I'm not good enough and that I'll be wasting my goddamn time trying. Some encouragement you guys are. When I asked you guys what you wanted me to be, you guys said "i don't know. Whatever you want."
WTF? But why is it that when I told you I loved art, you guys were against it and told me you wanted me to be in the medical business? Did you think that somehow, I would want that? SHIT NO.
And college. Before, all you did was push me to study well. And now taht's not good enough. Now I need to be the president of the student council or on a sports' team.
Maybe I won't go to college, How about that?
But if you know me, you know I wouldn't. I'm not so cold and cruel to do something like that.
I understand that you're raising me based off your experiences. Wanting me to experience things you could have experienced and regret not having done so or wanting to make sure I live in a better lifestyle than what you guys lived through. But we're different people. We have different opinions and reactions to certain things.
Yeah, I procrastinate, but you guys are the ones who made me grow up to be who I am today. Don't be too hasty in taking credit.

maybe in the long run, you guys are right for doing what you're doing. But don't you think you're taking it a little too far? Can't we have at least ONE decent conversation where I'm not doing something wrong or lasts at least 5 minutes?
And why do you automatically assume you understand me? BULLSHIT.
and another, when I got a few detentions in the past year, dad, you told me "I thought I knew you better than that."
HA. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME ANYMORE
You guys ignore me and I don't even have a chance to voice out my opinions.
AND ANOTHER. Dad, when you got your laptop, you asked me to help you with certain things on it for work because you're sokorean so I did. But you just kept asking and one day, I really needed to write this essay. We ended up in a fight, if you remember. and you told me that your work was more important than any other drawing crap I was working on. I explained to you that I was not drawing crap and that I was in fact writing an essay that was due the next day. Then you went on to yell and as to why I hadn't been working on it throughout the week. I had received the assignment on that day! In the end, I had to help you. and it took hours. so by the time I had finished your shit and finished my essay, it was 4 in the morning. Tired, I fell alseep on the car ride to school and when I woke up, what you told me was unbelievable to my ears (idk how to phrase that in english sorry if it sounds weird). You sneered and ranted about how I wait last minute to do assignments and get no sleep. "No wonder you're so short."
WELL WTF
SURE I DO PROCRASTINATE. BUT THIS TIME WAS OBVIOUSLY UR FAULT. WHERE DO U GET THE IDEA THAT YOU CAN DO THAT TO ME. My mom then decided to yell at me and I tried to explain to her that it was his fault too. But of course mom, you didn't hear me as always. I have never been so disappointed in you guys.
Dad, what right do you have to force me to do your work shit? The only reason I did it for you was because you're my father and I "love" you. Mind the quotes. I didn't have to do it.
Mom, your nagging is just.. I'm too tired to even try and rant about that.

I wonder if you guys noticed that while we had dinner tonight and you kept yelling at me, which was surprising. You guys barely notice I'm even there. I wonder if you noticed how horrible I felt. My chest had/has this paning feeling that feels like I'm going to burst open at any moment. I feel like I have this black hole instead of a soul. Hollow. Lost. That's how I feel.
I seem to always be craving something. I thought I was just hungry. But that doesn't seem to be the case. I wonder what it is?
Before this entry gets even longer,
Mom,
Dad,
Up Yours.

i shud be writing my ap euro essay thats due in a week but HA
well its actually 2 weeks but im one for a week
so i was supposed to get started and read and research for my essay but i woke up late and got oh so distracted FFF
and look! two sketches in a non chibi form!
havent done that in a while


so this was the first i did. i was actually practicing eyes and then i realized that i had sketched out a person LOL WHO




this isnt the final sketch of this but its the only screen shot i had //lazy lol
im having problems with her eyes though OTL
i have three options

her winking.


both eyes big


left eye smaller for ... perspective? LOL IDK

yeah so if anyone cares and would like to help me C:

mmkay i shud sleep now. its already one
/whistles sleeping early today~